Deathiversary Week 2017: Day 4

Dear Deathiversary Diary,

    When I woke up, I felt the same as I usually do in these situations: weird. I was exhausted. The thing about being suicidal is that in order to die you still have to take action, usually actions that are directly against your programming as an Earthling, which is something of a problem. I can't ask anyone who overcame that particular roadblock what the trick is, because those people aren't around anymore. There's an innate cowardice to suicide that makes it ironically out of the grasp for the kind of people who just want out altogether. I'm not much different. It's not like I'm a complete failure - I've gotten very close - the problem is that I deliberately avoid methods that could potentially put me in a hospital if I fuck them up, which is why there's a need for "preperations" when I try the drowning thing: I have to sure I can't just climb out. My worst nightmare is being in a hospital with 1,000 more reasons to die and have the strongest push-back possible. It's so perfectly this, this system, this simulation. The closer I get to it the worse it gets, and if I mess up then they win. The reason I've stayed alive this long is because it's much easier to not do anything. I've got booze and pills... so why not use them? If it gets to be too much I'll just get drunk or go to sleep, then when I unfortunately wake back up, I can distract myself with reading. I'm self-taught in most things, I tend to not spend too much time with video games and even when I watch movies it's while I'm doing something else. Like right now, for instance, the last Godzilla movie of the day is just now ending.
    The complication now is Kira. There is no longer any doubt in my mind that she's against me. It used to be something of a toss-up between whether she had the best intentions but was fighting against the same forces to get me out of here, or if she was working with them and all of the hope was a false plant to trick me. When she betrayed me yesterday I realized which one it was. I now find myself doing something I hadn't had cause to do in many, many years: pretend.
    See, a long time ago, at the inception of this period of my life, as I began to hit on the idea of suicide as an option, I tried to hide this from everyone by instinct. The things that I had heard up until that point... friends reaching out to stop it, calling doctors in, the "it gets better" lines... I actually believed all that shit. I thought for sure the moment I let it slip that I was even thinking about considering any form of self-harm, the people who really cared would, you know, do something about it. Oh what a fool I was. 100% of suicides are preventable, if people actually loved one another, there wouldn't be any. If people really loved each other, half of all transwomen wouldn't be dead and the other half wouldn't be attempting. If people really loved me, they would have at least fucking tried. I realized very quickly that there were two kinds of reactions to the news: they thought I was joking or they encouraged it. I know now that your true friends are the ones who encourage it, those are ones who understand the only real answer is complete and total oblivion, those are the ones who get that life isn't for everyone. The others, the ones that don't believe you, are those that are incapable of empathy. Those are the plants, the programs, they're only there to give you more of a reason to care. It's only further down the road that they give the merest, least sincere bullshit I've ever heard, their lines that they copied out of an Oprah magazine without knowing what any of it means. "It gets better." How? What's the mechanism that will allow me some opportunity to change things? Describe it. Help me. Do something. Act. Think. Do. No thank you, I was just saying it because I thought it sounded nice. "People will be sad if you die." Then why aren't they helping me? If you didn't want me gone, you would put forth the minimum amount of effort to keep it from happening. Double-speak. Hypocrisy. Lies. Bullshit. There is no such thing as "love." The people who are truly on my side would be happy for me now that it's over. The people who care about me wouldn't be motivated by selfish desires, "but I want you to stick around so you can entertain me, you're a tool I use for my own end and it inconveniences me to lose you." Tough shit. Toys break. Either you get your shit together and do something about it, or you don't. Not my fucking problem. They're all liars. Monsters. Creatures. Inhuman programs designed to wittle me down to nothing.
    And now I live with the most persistent program I've yet encountered. I don't know if the system admins have figured out I'm onto their plan yet, but this one is shaping up to be something of a "final boss" for me. I have to pretend. I have to pretend to still love her as if I thought she was a human even though I know now what she really is. One of those things. A set of failsafes designed to keep the simulation running at all costs. "They" know how close they am to getting out, and it scares them. On the one hand, it's a little intimidating, but it's also promising. For the first time in 7 years, I'm starting to make them sweat. I'm actually winning. I'm going to win this. I just have to stay cool and keep my wits about me, and soon it'll all be over.
    As part of it, I'm going to now put together a video for day 1 of my Alien Week. I need a cool name for it, like how I called my Kong series "the 8th wonder" because it was the eighth King Kong movie. It's the 8th Alien movie, but there's no equivalent cool thing to call it. David 8 is the name of the series of synth the character in Prometheus belongs to, but how do I turn that into something clever? 8-LIEN? I actually like that one. 8LIEN. I like it. Just like King Kong keep the personal stuff limited to my personal history with the films, don't get into what's going on now. Stick to the films. Do the dork thing. I've done all this before, but I'm rusty. It should be okay, though, since I've practiced just not doing anything for long enough to distract myself. I was too scatterbrained today to focus on the movies much, although I did watch both 70's Mechagodzillas with Kira. Mostly I just complained about those classic shitty Toho extremely-bad-day-for-night shots that we all know and love. G84 I barely paid any attention to at all... I was writing the addendum to yesterday's post and this one as well while it was playing. Didn't really care enough to watch anything else, like the cartoons or w/e. Whatever. Let's just get this day over with.


Malyssa, May 12th 2017

No comments:

Post a Comment