This whole thing was just a joke, wasn't it? It was all planned out long before this simulation was turned on. Every part of this was meticulously planned. All of the false hope put at strategic points right where it hurts the most. You gave me subtitles for Zone Fighter, then you took my pills away right when the distractions stopped working. And where did you put them? In the place it would hurt the most. Nice trick there. You keep coming up with these cool jokes, and as I've gotten savvier over time you slowly but surely amped up your game, made hope feel more real, and in the process raised the stakes. I get it. I keep falling for it, too.
But, the door is bolted from the inside, I've got enough booze to talk me into anything, and I've got a balcony, a bathtub, and plenty of razor blades. I may be a fuck up, but the cards are lining up for me, and I don't think I'm stupid enough to not take the chance.
Burn in hell, fuckers
Malyssa, May 11th 2017
Dear Deathiversary Diary.
I found an article online about a girl who died after taking 20 parce... parcematol? Something like that. I looked it up and apparently it's just another name for acetominophin, which I'm also probably not spelling right, but I know what that is, at least. Originally I just started thinking about the moving company again and how the situation would never get resolved and would only get worse - it's not like getting a lawyer involved would make things LESS stressful - and that it was just another in a long and unceasing chain of catastrophes that were never going to stop, it's merely what's happening today, it's always something regardless of what. I couldn't take it anymore, so I wanted to take my benedryl and write yesterday's entry while they were kicking in, then I could be unconscious and it wouldn't matter. I love those pills. I searched the entire house and couldn't find them, and then found out Kira took them. I trusted her, and she betrayed me. Or should I say "it." That thing. That program. That trick to get me to trust it when really it was just another part of the system. The whole thing is rigged against me. I bolted the door and took every pill in the house.
That amounted to 6 Excedrin, 8 Ibuprofen, and 6 Ibuprofen PMs, the kind with the benedryl in them. I told that thing I would unbolt the door if it brought home 14 more acetominophin, as I thought this would be the way out that has eluded me for so long. I may be a fuck up but I can take a bunch of pills no problem, in fact I've done it before, but the problem was I had no game plan and didn't know what I was doing. I took like 8-12 or something Ibuprofen and all it did was make me feel tingly and shake a little, it wasn't fun but it didn't kill me, obviously. Since then I've stuck with drowning but with the preparations that need to be made and the amount of drinking I need to do to psyche up for it I always fall asleep after getting black out drunk. It's not like it's actually difficuly in practice, but I'm just no good at it. So here we were and I was about to get the pill thing right. Only, that cocktail wasn't exactly "painless." With two hours to go before the rest of the pills got here, I was struck with the unique combination of being light headed and extremely tired, and having my heart beat faster than a strobe light. It was a nightmare. I hated that feeling more than I hated being alive. If I could just sleep and make it go away it would be fine. I called Kira and told her not to bother getting the rest of the pills because I didn't know what else to do to make it stop. She tried to get me to "breathe," something that has literally never worked in any situation, and I felt like a Silent Hill monster trying to bottle it out, occasionally convulsing involuntarily. You'd think the near-decade of self-harm and poor maintenance would culminate in something by now but my body - my oldest and most hated enemy - kept rattling on like an old car whose engines pops and stutters long after it knows it should have been dead.
It was a real shame, too, because up until that point I was having a passably okay time. Kira really got a kick out of Godzilla's Revenge, I got to see DAM, Hedorah, and Gigan again, and best of all I found subtitles for Zone Fighter episodes 2, 4, 6, 13, and 25. That's the first and last Godzilla episodes that I got to fully understand for the very first time. You would think that would be a passable distraction, but it still wasn't enough. The problem is my Alien thing started today and... well, my stuff still isn't here. Do you know what that means? That means I had to torrent 7 movies that I have spent an unconscionable amount of money on getting the best available releases. And to get the same kind of quality? The theatrical versions of 1-4 are fucking 6.5 gigs each. SIX AND A HALF FUCKING GIGS. You could fit like 8 fucking movies into that amount of space, what the fucking christ is wrong with these assholes? And I had to take it, too, I couldn't find the theatrical cut for any less, and I really want to watch both versions of ALIEN 3. It's one thing to fuck up Deathiversary, at least I've got a million copies - and at least one digital version - of each of those. But Alien? I bought those fucking things three times over. Once in a boxed set before the 5th movie came out of the first 4, once in a boxed set after the 5th movie came out with all 5, necessitating me selling my earlier copies to goodwill, and then again after the 6th movie came out in a set of all six, meaning once again I had to sell the current version of my collection. As it is now, I'm not aware of any set of all 7 movies, but I'm sure when Covenant gets a home video release there will be a set of all 8 eventually, it's just that Prometheus's release was... spiteful.
Did I learn anything from the Zone Fighter subs I didn't already know, other than what they were saying specifically? Sort of. In episode 4, I learned that Peaceland was apparently located in a Nebula, and so is likely in the same star system as the Earth-Twin of the Nebulans, making it's relationship to planet Riser a little confusing, and when Hotaru confronts Sachio (that was his name, right?) at the end of the episode, she thinks it's really him and he's sided with the Garoga, and doesn't realize it's actually just a Garoga in disguise until she shoots him. In episode 25 I learned the name of Zone's girlfriend, which is Mina, although I don't really know anything more about her than that. Her trauma from seeing the monsters seemed totally pointless and there was nothing there that drove the plot... also it's never really explained how the Zone family stops the monster capsules from exploding, they just kind of... don't. Maybe they were all duds except for Kabutogirah? I still don't understand the logic behind that plan at all. Sending all you monsters at once? GOOD idea. Making it unnecessarily easy to stop the monsters from showing up? WHY?!
I'm going to keep ticking a long as long as I can hold out for now. After Deathiversary and Alien Week are over, though, I don't know. But I'll try a little longer.
93/93
Malyssa, May 12th 2017
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